Quack

 

Let me finish the story of Buster. He was actually very smart. He just looked dumb. And there was a period of time when he had what the vet called micro-fissures on his balloon knot. That’s vet-speak for an itchy butt. What does a dog do with a sensitive itch?  They lick it. Buster was constantly licking his anus. He was lanky enough to get his mouth right up on that corn hole and gently lick it like it was a newborn baby bird who’d lost its momma. 

One day Buster was ever so gingerly licking his bottom when suddenly he farted!  I believe the old boy caught the entire payload in his mouth. I just happened to be watching so I could marvel at his determination, agility, and shamelessness. He looked like a big dumbass snake eating itself.  But it was the sound that did me in. I don’t know what experience you have with farting into things but it was reminiscent of when my step brother and I used to fart in a cup and hold it over my step sisters nose. A close analog would be hearing a duck quack into a bucket. 

And if the sound wasn’t funny enough, Buster’s reaction put it over the top.  Let me explain. When a dog settles into a good licking session there’s a cadence to the licks. You could match the rhythm with a metronome and describe the timing as in a musical score. Buster was licking his asshole in about 4/4 time. So, he quacks through his rear into his own mouth, pulls his head back for a second as if to say, “Fascinating”, then continues licking as if nothing at all had happened. 

I cried laughing. To this day my wife has no idea why I find it so funny.  Even when I cup my hand and blow a raspberry in it to simulate the sound all she can do is say I’m gross.